A 3rd 'person' view of me...

She's scared of the lizard. Again. 

I know she is not the sort to scare easy, but lizards somehow get to her. Horror stories, horror movies - those she gobbles up. She's a Poe fan; she still keeps his books on her bedside table. She doesn't read them as often now, but she holds on to them. Relics from her childhood - the memory of a story perhaps... or a feeling. Oh, she's full of feelings, this one.

Laughter. Her sense of humor is dark but she has an easy smile - one that she offers up readily and with no hesitation. I've heard everyone tell her this. And a deep voice that feels incongruous in such a small frame. Her friends get to hear her laugh and often say it sounds like a donkey braying. It's definitely not pretty. Only those who love her get to hear her truly chortle with laughter. I've heard it and it's... interesting. It goes on and on like an ECG machine spilling out its graphs: troughing when she's out of breath, cresting when she is reminded of whatever it was that tickled her. Endless.

Labor. I know she loves her work and works hard at whatever she does. I sense that it is important to her - gaining respect and being known for what she does. She'll spend hours if she has a tricky problem to solve and that is the part that bores me the most. Loss. Like all of us here on this blue dot, she is defined by loss. I see it in her eyes when she thinks no one is watching, staring into her favorite whiskey. Reading connects her to the universe - similar griefs, same tribulations. Reading reminds her of the loves she lost and writing brings them back. And so it goes on and on. 

Love sustains her. Her partner of 19 years is the source of her energies, her confidante, her partner in crime. Her relationships with her mother, her sisters, her friends clearly mean a lot to her. I like hearing her talk to the maid, the gardener - she is funny. Well, at least she tries to elicit a chuckle. I can't chuckle too much since it is out of character for me. So I remain stoic. 

She loves the sea; hates the rains.

She loves eating; will do anything to not-cook.

She loves partying; but will not stay out beyond 12 am.

She loves reading. If anyone disturbs her, she turns feral (I seen it).

She loves samosas, hates mangoes. Yes, I almost abandoned her at this point. 

She loves snakes and hates lizards. 

She's a weird thing but I guess it is alright for now. For me, this is a temporary thing and she is good company; so I guess I will have to make do. I do wish she were a bit less 'shouty' about lizards. I know she is not afraid of ghosts though. One stormy night, I looked in on her to check if she was okay. And I could have sworn she saw me and smiled. 

The sprite and I and I

Villainiya ‏@DushtaStree  23h23 hours ago
A story in 24 tweets. Storified here.

Let me tell you a true story. Of something that never happened...
... Of someone who never was.
Of things that should have been said
So often we deem people guilty of what they've done. And what, pray tell, of the times that they should have done something?
What, of this, this shadow of guilt? What of this... photo negative,... if you will?

One moonlit night, in the forest where I live, on my usual walk, I came upon this sprite. He was up to some fun.
He said to me, he was happy & he'd grant me a boon. If I so chose, I could live two lives, he said. Two parallel lives; one condition.
On that night, I would split into two selves. One self would live my life the way I would. The other would do everything, take every risk.
His only condition, was that at the end of the road, we'd meet, the two selves. And one would have to kill the other.
I agreed. Nothing to lose. I start with one self. I end with one. The journey seemed like an adventure
And so I split. And two lives were lived. It's difficult to explain a parallel existence. So I spare you the details.

And there we were, in the same clearing, a moonlit night this was too. Face to face. The same people, different lives
Oh. But are these? Are these the same people? One of us was smiling, laugh lines around the eyes. The other had a mouth downturned.
The one who took all the risks said, Oh sister, what a ride that was! How have you been?!
The other me was aghast. Did you not lose your loved ones? Were you not betrayed? Are you not angry, my sister?
To which she replied, Oh yes I did. But I've also loved, and been loved. And I have broken hearts too. All my mistakes were my own!
And I have learned. To tell people I love them when I do. And not say that when I don't. To say the right thing though it was hard to do.
And here I am now. Tired, but happy. Heart taped over a million times, but full of love.

The other me cried out. In frustration and anger. You see, she (I) had lived a life of great caution. Not letting anyone take advantage
And it was now clearly a life wasted. It was too disappointing to think of. Too much to take.
I said to me, out of jealousy and spite, sister I have to kill you. Remember what the sprite had said?
To which I said, Yes of course, go ahead. I've lived a good one. :)

So I killed me. And here I am.

Tum

Akele raaston se guzre, kabhi na maana ki tum the
Tum saath hote, hanste gaate, tabhi na maana ki tum the
Logon ne kaha, aetbaar karle. Dekho sabhi ne jaana ki tum the.

Ab raastein hai, khanabadoshi nahin
Mehfilein hai, muztar rehta hai dil
Ab hum sabse kehte phirte hai...

Ki tum ho, tum ho, tum ho.

An ode to Haikus

I love Haikus.

First of all, the name itself. Look at it! --> #Haiku. Rolls off your tongue in a rush. How captivating!

Writing is so often like sculpting.  It starts as a mere wisp of an idea. A word you read, maybe. Something you said to your best friend. Or something that the coffee dregs in your mug looked like today. Anything. It takes hold then; slowly mutating in your mind's recesses into something beautiful. Or ugly. Or grey. Or plastic. Anything you want it to be. That's the fun, isn't it? It expands, taking on this amorphous life of its own.

Like you, I've often penned my thoughts in prose, verse, staccato sentences. Then stood back to look at it with tilted head. Like a sculptor would, or a painter. More like a sculptor though. That's what you do with your words. With a #haiku. You gently coax them into behaving under your fingers. A little pressure here, smooth it out there. Or if it's stone, you chisel at them  Shape here, crude and hoarse there. It's yours. It's also completely his who reads. Or hers. Or its. Everyone's and noone's.

I talk like I'm a sculptor. I've never held clay in my hand, or stone to chip away at. But I have sculpted. For you.

Crossroads
I've waited for him
Here, at the crossroads of life
For centuries now
Mephistopheles
The gravel under my feet
Now is an hourglass.

The waif
Alone she sat there
On the top of the mountain,
Seeing the shepherds
Whistle tunes of joy
As they headed home at dusk.
And darkness took her

The red pill
In the dark he waits
Watching his thoughts take root and
A forest is born.

Alone she wandered
In the woods not knowing why.
But knowing she should.

Until she met him.
The white knight who smiled & said
"Are you ready, Alice?"

In her destiny
Was to wander forever
His forest of thoughts

The wraith

This wraith, this wraith of a girl...
So ethereal I am scared sometimes,
Of the unforgiving world around her.
And just then, she reminds me,
Just how strong she is...
How unrelentingly loving.
And then I fold myself within her...

Dedicated to my Nazia Hussain. She of the smile that can light up the corners of your heart...

Welcome, FDI

Sometimes, people need help. If you get into trouble with the law, you need a good criminal lawyer. If you are being stalked or blackmailed, you need a good gun. If you need a new identity, you need Jakka bhai (?!).

But I need none of this!!! What I need is:

White formal shirt (1 units)

Specs:

bright white

form-fitting

medium length

chinese collar

with pintucks preferably

half sleeves

Why is that so FRIGGING HARD to find in this city?! I don't care what FDI does to our inflation* but Walmart, if you don't get that one simple white shirt, you better pack your bags man [menacing].

*views/opinions subject to change on my next visit to the petrol bunk**
**might be topic of future blog post. I'm that touchy***
***this is a version of nested asterisks****
****I love doing this!!

The evolution of the FB status

All my Status Updates So Far:

Tue December 15, 2009, 8:54 pm: Oh. Let me introduce you to 'none of your business.' :)

Sun December 13, 2009, 7:54 pm: For men may come and men may go... But I go on for ever. [:D]

Sun December 13, 2009, 2:46 am: OK. It just turns out I might be a liiiittle bit possessive. And insecure. Just a little bit. Nothing to worry about. Everything's dandy. Everything's fine. I'm OK. [grin]

Fri December 11, 2009, 11:40 pm: What if I lose my voice today, and the carols come out all weird? What if I bungle it up and everyone glares at me?!

Thu December 10, 2009, 8:43 am: Who IRONS their jeans, for God's sake? Geek!!

Wed December 9, 2009, 10:41 am: Oh no! They're showing P.S. I love you again. Here come the waterworks... Sniff.

Wed December 9, 2009, 2:01 am: Home sick :(

Mon December 7, 2009, 10:21 am: A. B. C. D. E. F. G. H. I. J. K. L. M. N. O... NO! So again, which part of N. O. didn't you get?

Sun December 6, 2009, 7:48 pm: Dear God. Just because I had a great Friday evening, please don't make my weekends completely activityless. Next weekend, I'd like the fun spread out over the 3 days. Also, I don't know which neighbors you're talking about. I must have missed the memo. So until I hear from you, I am going to continue not loving them. Thank you. PS: Thanks for making India #1 in cricket or something. The menfolk seem to love it. :)

Sun December 6, 2009, 12:09 am: They immobilized my Hyderabad.

Sat December 5, 2009, 12:05 am: Pyaar - impossible, impossible. Impossible hai pyaar...

Fri December 4, 2009, 12:45 pm: coriandar martinis and yellow tangerines...

Thu December 3, 2009, 11:21 am: In English.

Mon November 30, 2009, 11:41 pm: I get the fields, he gets the sea...

Sun November 29, 2009, 1:35 am: At long last, I go to meet the sea...

Wed November 25, 2009, 3:22 am: On my mind? AdWord Cullen.

Tue November 24, 2009, 11:52 am: Together, we'll run through every little bylane, we'll peep into every little corner, turn all stones, peer into dusty shadows... And we'll find it. We always do.

Thu November 12, 2009, 7:50 pm: Close your eyes, take a deep breath, open your eyes, stare into the face of a Freaky Friday. And say 'Bring it!'

Sun November 8, 2009, 1:52 am: Sundays are for hot baths.

Mon November 2, 2009, 9:15 pm: Ajab prem ki ghazab kahani...

Sun November 1, 2009, 9:23 pm: Happy Birthday, Mr. Khan

Sun October 25, 2009, 7:40 am: I <3>

Sat October 24, 2009, 9:59 am: A watched inbox never gets mail.

Sun October 18, 2009, 5:49 am: Everyone in the theater has decided to pool together the 50 million dollars the cast of Blue needs. Then we can all go home and live our lives unsullied. I think.

Thu October 15, 2009, 2:11 am: Mom is glad the Hippo is gone...

Mon October 12, 2009, 2:43 am: Confession: Forgive me Versace, coz I have sinned. For the past two weeks, I've been ferreting out pink clothes, purple clothes, white clothes with pink/purple, black clothes with pink/purple, grey clothes with pink/purple. Just so I can wear my pink and gold joothis! [Sob!]. So help me, Gucci.

Thu October 8, 2009, 9:41 pm: Dusting all hearts off my sleeve.

Wed October 7, 2009, 7:42 am: Tere bina zindagi se koi shikwa tho nahi...

Sat October 3, 2009, 5:15 am: Nature's fury... :(

Fri October 2, 2009, 2:05 pm: Yes, I'm in a relationship. And yes, it's complicated. Because every relationship is. :)

Wed September 30, 2009, 6:56 am: See if I care...

Tue September 29, 2009, 11:32 am: Dakota Fanning is Jane in the 'New Moon'!

Thu September 24, 2009, 3:37 am: But I swear in the days still left, we'll walk in fields of gold...

Tue September 22, 2009, 10:26 am: Battle of the 'X'es...

Mon September 21, 2009, 8:03 pm: For you, a thousand times over...

Mon September 21, 2009, 6:09 am: Back!

Tue September 15, 2009, 11:47 am: Scrabble cheaters, go to @#$%! $%^&#

Tue September 15, 2009, 1:02 am: Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance. And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance... I hope you dance.

Sun September 13, 2009, 11:53 pm: 'Cause you're hot then you're cold, You're yes then you're no. You're in then you're out, You're up then you're down. You're wrong when it's right, It's black then it's white. We fight, we break up, We kiss, we make up...

Mon September 7, 2009, 1:54 pm: Stupid scrabble cheaters!! %#$&*!

Mon September 7, 2009, 11:16 am: Is FB acting funny for everyone? It's stuck in a time warp for me...

Fri September 4, 2009, 7:17 am: There will always be choices; you'll always have options. There will be reason and rationale. And you will have to choose. The day you choose, that moment, you will be known by your choice.

Fri September 4, 2009, 2:51 am: I fear the day I'll have nothing to say.

Tue August 18, 2009, 9:19 am: I miss the moon.

Sun August 16, 2009, 11:41 pm: And yet, to say the truth, reason and love keep little company together nowadays...

Thu August 13, 2009, 8:51 pm: Aaja Aaja Dil Nichode, Raat Ki Mataki Tode Koyi Good Luck Nikaale, Aaj Gullak Toh Phode...

Thu August 6, 2009, 11:12 pm: and we twist...

Wed August 5, 2009, 9:23 pm: Woh jahaan door jisse gaye the nikal...

Mon August 3, 2009, 10:47 pm: shards of insanity dripping with the potion of numbness...

Sun August 2, 2009, 8:10 pm: I don't know if I will win, but I know I will fight.

Sun August 2, 2009, 10:14 am: Rakhi Sawant wants a 'kaadi'gram...

Fri July 31, 2009, 11:23 am: wayward wisps of sunshine...

Thu July 30, 2009, 12:48 pm: voiceless sounds of varied timbre...

Wed July 29, 2009, 8:20 pm: It's not over tonight...

Mon July 27, 2009, 5:03 am: Tell him what was wrong, I sometimes think too much, But say nothing at all. And tell him from this high terrain, I am ready now to fall...

Mon July 27, 2009, 4:39 am: Options

Sun July 26, 2009, 9:04 pm: Do you really honestly think, I will sigh one day, take your hand, look deep into your eyes, and say 'I love you for your DVD collection?' <-- [I think this one's my favorite]

Fri July 24, 2009, 12:18 pm: work...

Mon July 6, 2009, 10:24 pm: What a weekend! Phew!!...

Sun July 5, 2009, 4:19 am: Banjara hills police station! <-- [Not again!]

Wed July 1, 2009, 7:33 pm: I liked New York. Go watch it!

Tue June 23, 2009, 4:25 am: You're caught in a one way street With the monsters in your head...

Sat June 20, 2009, 1:36 am: Horrible weekend so far. Monday, please save me. At least I won't be able to make trouble for myself. Sigh.

Wed June 17, 2009, 7:33 pm: Bleary eyed, weary boned...

Tue June 16, 2009, 9:05 pm: My sister and I stormed a boys hostel at 11 pm yesterday and gave them a lecture on eve-teasing (to NOT do it...sheesh)! Hell yeah!

Tue June 16, 2009, 8:57 am: How is it that after 7 YEARS of knowing someone, you miss them after 7 minutes of staying apart?

Mon June 15, 2009, 11:44 pm: Lost my phone and found it again. I'd like to thank everyone for their support. :)

Sun June 14, 2009, 7:49 pm: Monday, bring it on!

Sat June 13, 2009, 1:46 pm: Sleepless on Saturday...

Fri June 12, 2009, 4:27 am: Can I be assured that no more work will descend on me now - 5 o' clock on a Friday evening?

Thu June 11, 2009, 7:17 pm: early morning class :(

Thu June 11, 2009, 6:09 am: downwards and spiralling...

Tue June 9, 2009, 5:45 am: I wish Shakil was Spiderman. I am so fed up of the traffic in Hyderabad! :(

Mon June 8, 2009, 12:26 pm: I was just winning a game of Scrabble! By a mile! And the woman force-forfeited!! WTF!!!!!

Sun May 31, 2009, 9:52 pm: BING has not helped me make a decision! :P

Sun May 31, 2009, 9:49 pm: BING is up! :O

Sun May 31, 2009, 9:13 pm: Too many 'Pistha' posters around the city. Vishal's abs are seriously distracting.

Sat May 30, 2009, 2:33 pm: wide awake

Thu May 28, 2009, 8:21 pm: Thus ends the month...

Mon May 25, 2009, 8:25 pm: is disillusioned.

Sun May 24, 2009, 9:48 pm: I did NOT shop this weekend! <-- [This is not true]

Sat May 23, 2009, 4:16 am: Saturday, will you wait?

Fri May 22, 2009, 1:53 am: Your voice is the splinter inside me...

Wed May 20, 2009, 2:21 am: blankity :P

Mon May 18, 2009, 1:04 am: Has anyone ever tried to find out if Monday has 19 hours instead of 24?

Fri May 8, 2009, 4:04 am: OMG I am a pushover?! I can't be! God, give me the 'evil'ity...

Wed May 6, 2009, 11:23 am: drum dee drum...

Mon April 27, 2009, 8:39 am: Several withdrawal symptoms - Need lemonade at ungodly hours, need to discuss homosexuality prejudices, need 48 degree weather, and need to play Taboo!

Mon April 27, 2009, 8:35 am: is missing MICA :(

Sat October 11, 2008, 8:42 am: is going to blog and blog...

Thu October 2, 2008, 12:55 am: : "Jaane kyon dil jaanta hai,... tu hai tho, I'll be alright, I'll be alright"

Wed October 1, 2008, 11:13 pm: is not in jail <-- [Please to be noted]

Wed October 1, 2008, 4:48 am: is in jail.

Sun September 21, 2008, 10:04 am: is cleaning out her closet...

Thu September 18, 2008, 8:05 pm: is watching morning life in the city go by...

Thu September 18, 2008, 2:59 am: is ruminating

Wed September 17, 2008, 10:41 pm: is hungry and wants to have daal baati churma

Tue September 16, 2008, 3:14 am: is furious at having been asked to go barefoot for a fire drill! My shoes, my beautiful beautiful shoes...

Tue September 16, 2008, 1:39 am: loves Malpua!

Sat September 13, 2008, 12:38 pm: is wondering ...

Thu September 11, 2008, 10:07 pm: is wondering why people on FB are voting her 'Best potential MOTHER.' Really!!!

Thu September 11, 2008, 9:44 pm: wishes the cool night breeze dried the tears...

Wed September 10, 2008, 3:23 am: is still thinking of Mr. Akhtar...

Tue September 9, 2008, 9:24 am: is sad, very sad...

Sun September 7, 2008, 10:12 am: is tired after a hectic day of house-hunting in Bengaluru

Sat September 6, 2008, 12:27 am: is blogging!

LOL

OK...

The other day, normal hour of the day. Usual people, plain conversation. Someone says something funny. Sometimes, people do.

I want to laugh. So I throw my head back, and I LOL! No no. No no. I don't laugh out loud. I throw back my head and I say 'LOL!' Damn you, social networks and instant messaging!

Ten minutes

Ten minutes. I have ten minutes before S picks me up for lunch. I've had a mad morning of back-to-back meetings already. I have a mad rush of meetings after lunch also. 

10 minutes for myself out of 960 waking minutes? That's 1.04%! The rest a flurry of pulsating relationships and a blur of demanding work. 

You do the math. 

In my last meeting, something very different happened. Someone asked me to draw three circles - one representing my work, one representing my relationships, and one representing myself. Guess which was smallest?

So my mantra now is: Expand the circle.. 

Fire in the mountain.....

Today, we had a fire drill at office. We were warned about this starting a week ago. We were calendared for it. We were sent reminder emails. It was all very realistic. 

Dutifully, your's truly locked computer, tossed hair back and proceeded to nearest fire exit (well almost! How was I supposed to see the fire exit behind me?! Really!). Little did I know that I was to be brought so close to the realities of life. 

Our Emergency Response Team told me to take off my shoes and proceed. Fair enough. Which was OK until I started going down the staircase. That was when I noticed that I was amongst the minority. Ladies with beautiful platform heels, stilettos, clump heels sashayed down the staircase. Which was still fine - I am amongst the few who really know the importance of a fire drill. [continues to troop downstairs whilst keeping away from assorted debris on floor].

OK OK. This can't be happening. I am the ONLY ONE with no shoes. Really, Emergency Response Team!! 

Sigh. So it happens that I prance barefoot on the gravel, avoid curious stares at my feet, and literally crane my neck to see the fire safety demonstration that OTHERS WEARING HEELS ARE COMFORTABLY WATCHING!!! (with their 'elevated' status).

And that is when the epiphany happened. That is when it suddenly became clear as James Bond's martini to me. I knew what was important in life (and in case of emergency fire drills).

When I am in a life & death situation * (the asterisks mean a footnote. If I have to tell you this one more time...), I want to save the most valuable thing - my shoes!!

When I am wearing my shoes...

 -- I can walk, I assure you! That is partly the reason I BOUGHT them.

 -- About the heels and stepping on toes bit, 1) Other people are wearing heels too! My naked feet just leave me more vulnerable 2) Stepping on other people's toes is quite the norm. (Ask any corporate salaried person) Also, quite a few men/husbands/boyfriends are used to this 'heel' treatment.

-- I am more confident in my heels. I can therefore assist more people getting them out of the fire. [Really, would you accept help from someone who is NOT wearing shoes when the floor is as hot as a cat's bum?]

See?

I love you, shoes.

PS: The same event has been described in my friend Nachi's blog. Please read & see a different treatise on the same event. How do you do it, Nach? 

Footnote:

* Why do they call it life AND death situation? It can't be both, can it? 

LOL!! (All ye Facebookians!)

I don't mind if I have to waste a post for this. This is just 'check-it-out-right-now' funny!!!

http://www.cracked.com/blog/2008/09/10/the-10-commandments-of-facebook/

Thanks, Mathew, for this amazing site :)

...

Where did I go wrong? 

I have made a decision...

An important life-altering one. After years of indecision, I am taking the plunge. My life will change forever after this and so will the lives of people around me. And I'll never be the same again. I wanted to let you know that I've decided to start a TV channel.

What? 

Yeah, as I was saying. I have made this after a lot of thought. To prove to you, I'll put my business case in front of you. I've put this together for anyone else who's interested.

Ingredients

You'll need: 

Saas-bahu serials [ubiquitous]. We won't say much about this. It has been done to death (at least done to the death of 4 main characters.). We'll leave you to decide how many of these soaps you want in your channel.

Laughter challenge-type shows. For this, you'll need 2-3 judges who have individual distinct styles of laughing, e.g., 

• raise hands and laugh loudly (a la Siddhu - English spouting is optional. Really!) or  
  
• the 'now-it's-there-now-it's-not' grin that does not stretch your rictus enough to spoil your facelift (a la Shekhar Suman)
• the 'I-am-going-to-laugh-but-look-menacing' laugh (Shatrughan Sinha)
• the spanking new 'raise-your-fists-and-shake-them-in-the-air-so-that-the-contestant-does-not-know-if-you-are-laughing-at-his-joke-or-want-to-kill-him' laugh .. phew (Chunky Pandey)  
  

Of course you don't have to stick to these. You can come up with your own ones. Mine is this: Judges to come up to the contestants after the performance and do a 'Nagin Dance' (snake dance). The score is the number of times the Nag/Nagin (errr....snake/snakess?) lunges. He he he.

Reality shows:  This one's pretty new (like Ring-o-garlic Pizza), but catching on like nobody's business (again like the pizza). Ironically, with shows like 'Roadies,' 'Big Boss,' 'Splitsvilla,' NOTHING is 'nobody's business' anymore. Everything is televisable. Thank you, God for nosy people (and also for sending that cute guy to my apartment building...).

OK. To business, little ones! For reality shows, you will need diversity in character, thusly categorized: 

• Two battling men/women (OK OK. I am totally lying and trying to be nice. Women! the bitchier the better):  Prabjot and Anmol (Roadies), Rakhi and Kashmira (Big Boss), Bosky (?!!) and Prianca (Splitsvilla). They should not get along at all AND they should form groups. Sprinkle liberally with bad words. The good thing about this is that you get to have polls of random people on the road. Who do you think is right? Bosky or Prianca? This will up your TRPs coz it takes on a very Ramayanesque 'Who's side are you on?' theme.
• The underling. More often that not, this guy/gal has to win. This is to prove the triumph of the weak over the mighty. (Ashutosh in Roadies, Rahul Roy in Big Boss). Thus reaffirming that when Mars finally invades us, we will be saved because of the good in our hearts. 
• The crybaby. Absolutely needed. If properly utilized, this golden goose will give you television copy worth episodes! A la Yamini in Splitsvilla. They will cry at the drop of a hat. And behold! Viewers want to know why they cry in the next episode. It is also great for the ads you make. For example, if you show 'Next week on Roadies.... a shot of Nihal crying...,', you have it! People will watch it..
• The bully. Do I need to say anything more? Anmol in Roadies. Just read the reaction to her being voted out here. You'll know what I am talking about. 

Talent shows: Also very new. Refer to dancing shows (Zara Nachke Dikha, Nachle, Sheher di kudiyaan VS. Gali de gunde, Aaja mahi ve), singing shows (Sa Re Ga Ma Pa, Indian Idol), or game shows (Dus ka dum, Kya aap paanchvi..., Khatron ke Khiladi... tera haseena, ek khila... sorry I got a little carried away) etc. Anyway, you get the point. 

The good thing is that more than the contestants, these shows are a good place for the judges to either prove that they can do as well on TV or simply to kick some life into their dying careers. So, here are the talents that the JUDGES should have in your show.

• The ability to laugh a lot, A LOT. You have to keep laughing... and smiling, and grinning. However!! Sometimes, you have to try NOT to laugh. For example, when entire families together try to don similar poshak and prance in front of you (Rock n Roll family)
• You should know at least 137 ways of saying 'What you just did in front of me was good.' 
  
• You should have a house-full of enthusiasm. What I mean is not once should you pick up the mike and say 'Accha tha' or ' I liked it' or 'It was nice.' Instead, every time you pick up the mike, beam like a saint, and say 'Aapne to kamaal kar diya, sara stage hila diya.' or 'I have no words' or use the jhatka factor - say 'I am not pleased with your performance today.' Then wait for some time because there will be a drum sound and the camera will focus on the contestant's face for some time (for full impact). 
• This one's very important: You should have one trademark 'reward.' For example, when you pretend to be really touched, give the contestant a hundred rupee note, or get up and walk to the stage and give them a hug, or say a poem for them. The upside here is that you get to show off your designer dress or designer cleavage when you walk to the stage. It just doesn't do to judge from behind the table, does it, dahling? Also a tremendous opportunity for your ego if the contestant touches your feet (?!)

Celebrity talk shows: Simi Garewal, Karan Johar, and now Sajid Khan! End of story. We rather liked it when celebrities cried on Garewal's show (sadists that we are), we grudgingly enjoyed the banter on Johar's. We want to throw something at Sajid Khan for his boring, artificial, made-up, plastic, pathetic attempt at a celebrity talk show. 

We have grown up.....

If you have neither the time nor the inclination for the above detailed recipe, worry not. Chuck it all and go make a news channel, and one like India TV, at that. Here is everything you need to fill 24 hours then: 

1) Get one of your reporters who is already on duty somewhere to find a stone that looks like Ganesha or Shiva or the Nag God. It's OK if the resemblance is not striking. Your graphics will distract the viewers.

2) Tape one of your reporters speaking in a weird voice. Juxtapose images of aliens from ET, or Aliens Vs Predators. Then claim that aliens have made contact.

3) Every two days, proclaim that the world is going to end either because of Shani's 'prakop' (anger) or through a blackhole device that scientists in Russia have created. 

(At this point, I'd like to repeat: You DO NOT NEED photographical evidence for any of this. Not even photoshop. Shoddily cut-paste heads and bodies. That's enough)

4) Claim that Salman and Katrina are already married for 7 years, or cut Abu Salem's head (chuckle) and paste it on Sanjay Dutt's body, team with Monica Bedi and play a romantic song in the background. 

5) Say that our cows are being taken by aliens. (Hearken, ye cows of Saharanpur, and pay heed)

6) Follow the culinary habits of witches. Check this out.

That's it, my kiddos, this is your beginner's guide for this career choice. More later. Love until then. Muah!

Oops! I did it again!

I know, I know! I've done it again! Almost a month without a post. I am sorry (mostly to myself and to the six people who read my blog!). So, my post this time is a tag I got from Nags. Here are the rules:

a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
b. Using only the first page, pick an image.
c. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into any mosaic maker.

Questions:

1. What is your first name? Vaishali
2. What is your favorite food? Paneer
3. What high school did you go to? St. Michael's Convent
4. What is your favorite color? Brown
5. Who is your celebrity crush? Edward Norton (sigh. sigh. double sigh)
6. Favorite drink? Martini
7. Dream vacation? Tuscany
8. Favorite dessert? Gulabjamun
9. What you want to be when you grow up? A lawyer (for what age group was this tag made? 'When you grow up' indeed!!!)
10. What do you love most in life? Books 
11. One Word to describe you. Energetic (couldn't risk anything else)
12. Your flickr name. NS the Menace (err... yeah)

Book Review

The Memory Keeper's Daughter

As promised, this is the book review. 

Written by Kim Edwards, this book is mainly about choices that are very human but that take over life like a drop of ink in water. 

Edwards gleefully picks up fistfuls of stigma and prejudices and scatters them in the winds of this heart-breaking story. When I say heart-breaking, I mean it. I have always felt that it is easy to make your readers cry. I will not take names but this is probably why I did not like some best-seller books. It is difficult to make readers laugh (PGW) and it is difficult to make them think. This book makes you think. It makes you want to see your life and choices differently. 

Let's start with an excerpt [Please don't read it if you are drunk (which means S can never read it!) or if you are in a flippant mood. Read it in a solemn mood and you will know what I mean]. 

Her voice, high and clear, moved through the leaves, through the sunlight. It splashed onto the gravel, the grass. He imagined the notes falling into the air like stones into water, rippling the invisible surface of the world. Waves of sound, waves of light: his father had tried to pin everything down, but the world was fluid and could not be contained. 

Leaves lifted; sunlight swam. The words of this old hymn came back to him, and Paul picked up the harmony. Phoebe did not seem to notice. She sang on, accepting his voice as she might the wind. Their singing merged, and the music was inside him, a humming in his flesh, and it was outside, too, her voice a twin to his own. 

I'll not take up much of your time. I'll highlight the highlights. :)

Snapshot: The year is 1964. On a windy, snowy storm of a night, Dr. David Henry is forced to deliver his own twins, a girl and a boy. The boy, he sees, is fine. But in the girl, he instantly recognizes Down's syndrome. His own childhood saddled with the sorrow of a terminal sister, he makes an irreversible decision and asks his nurse the take the baby to a home.  

1) Language: 

Probably the first thing you'd have noticed anyway is the fluid imagery that Edwards uses. Everything is poetic. The dappling of light, the flowing of water, the running of blood in veins. How often do you see comparisons between a tulip petal and the delicate veins of an eyelid? Page after page takes you to mundane everyday happenings but keeps you absorbed with every minute detail. Like the colors on the street, the scraps of conversations, and the play of shadows. You live everything the main characters go through. 

2) Narration:

This is all I have to say about the narration: The jacket of every book nowadays has the words 'But when the killer starts targeting her friends and associates, she can't help but get deeper and deeper into the mystery.' The 'engross-factor' of your book is directly proportional to the number of murders/deaths in your book. Compare it with the narration in this book, where the heroine removing a wasp's nest is given 3 pages of attention, complete with details. But a death is not actually depicted. Just the sorrow.....

I could probably go on and on. But you'd have got the point at around my sixth sentence in this post :)

Let me just end by saying this. You know how they say that some books really stay with you long after you've read them? This one's still staying with me and my landlord is not gonna like it.... :)

Official site for 'The Memory Keeper's Daughter'

If you read it, please comment. 

Weekends....

Hello!

See. I did three notable things last weekend: 

1) I finished reading 'book.' Units: one.

2) I saw 'movie.' Units: two.

3) I got my hair straightened ('Bio-straightened' as Mayo puts it) 

Seeing as the third one has to do with my appearance, this post will be dedicated to my hair appointment (I'll review the book and movies in subsequent posts.)

For a while now, I've been wondering whether to straighten my hair or not.  [Hey! For a woman, it's an important decision, alright?] There were people who told me 'Your hair will look like straw' (thank you, Maya and Varsha) or 'If you straighten your hair, I will tie you up in the straightened hair and present you to the Spartans on a spear.' There were also people who told me I'll look tolerable. So there was only one way to find out, wasn't there? * (The asterisk means there is a footnote)

So, there I was. At the parlor at around 4 p.m. on Sunday. There was no one else there, and there were two women who looked like they'd rather be frolicking on the beaches of Puerto Rico. I told the woman what I want, I did not quite take to the conspiring look she gave her companion.

Anyway, I tried to look like 'I've done this a zillion times before. I know how it goes.' But I guess they kinda understood when I asked in the middle of the procedure 'Can I go and get some coffee?' and they said 'Can you please NOT move your head?' On the whole, I think I handled the whole '4 hour hair-pulling, combing, yanking, sizzling (at some points)' session quite well. Here is a brief 'summary' of what I did (mind you, not they) at the various stages of the procedure. You will know why I am a delight to style. 

1) Stage 1 (Hair wash): I went to sleep. 

2) Stage 2 (Hair straightening using an electric straightener): I kept shrinking away from it. So my roots are not what you would call ramrod straight.

3) Stage 3 (Hair straightening using strips of plastic with chemical on it): This took an hour. To while my time, I 'organized' a 'race' between the woman working on the right side of my head against the woman on the left. The woman on the left won, but the woman on the right did not appreciate my comments like 'Buck up!' or 'You can do it!' ** (see footnote. Did I not tell you what these star thingies meant?!) 

4) Stage 4 (40 min wait): I ignored the glares from 'woman on the right' and instead focused on talking to S who I insisted on inviting to the parlor :D. He thought I was joking. So did the women actually, come to think of it...Hmmm...

5) Stage 5 (Hair wash YAY!): Refer to 'Stage 1' above.

6) Stage 6 (Dumping of some other chemical on head accompanied by vigorous brushing of hair): See I thought Stage 5 was the last. So I was taken aback and started accusing 'woman on the right' of making up extra stages. [errrr..]

7) Stage 7 (15 min wait): I sulked.

8) Stage 8 (Hair wash and set): The triumph of the... of the... well, of the me!

With all of it behind me, I look sexy! (So what if it is just me who thinks so?) When I come out of the bath now, I can tilt my head and towel my hair like Hindi film heroines. And NOT look like a bristling porcupine in the process. 

So, you let me know what you think of my new look. OK? And coming up in the next episode.... Book review. :D

Footnotes:

* [ This is also how you will find the problems of your life. there will be people who tell you this is right, and others who tell you it is not. When it comes to you, you will have to try it and see for yourself. No other way. Kind of like face foundation ... or lingerie. Don't waste your life thinking whether or not a bikini will suit you. ]

** Around this time, I also asked for the coffee. :D

I love.....

• the way you laugh - like a child...wide grin, head cocked to one side.
• the way you twist your nose and sniff midway in your endless chatter
• the way you can go on and on and on about tsunami, investments, gadgets, and housing plans, and interest rates.. (how very interesting!..)
• the small mark on your right cheek
• the way you always hold my hand while crossing the road 
• the way your face slopes into a cleft chin.....
• the way you get dizzy after eating lots of sweetmeats, but you'll still eat...
• the way you get high after just one drink
• your hands
• the fact that you hate reading books, but you'll wait patiently while I read a book cover to cover.
• that you are as crazy about movies as I am
• that if I forget to give the old lady at the street-corner a coin, you will.
• the way you frown angrily when I put my head/hands out of a running cab to wave
• the way you are conscious of your nose (it's NOT big!) 
• the way you smile at me
• the way you dance (so awkward, so very cute)
• the way you take me to the temple on my birthday
• the way you make up excuses for my excessive shopping when I start feeling guilty, e.g., 'It's OK. This is the first shopping spree this month...' or 'It's OK. We'll not eat anything for the rest of the month...' :)
• the way you love my family
• the way you love me.....

Monday blues...

Hello Monday! :)

Back in office after the eventful (NOT!) weekend. I did see a movie though - Jaane tu ya jaane na. Hindi - romance/comedy. I think you should know this about me (if you don't already, you should talk to me more.... really!) - I am a huge movie buff. Movies for me is an experience. Not for me your dvds/cds/online versions (you pirates!). I love going to the theater and watching it with real people around me. People who watch movies at home, or wait for it to 'premier' on television, are escapists. Me? I need the challenge of making it to the movie on time (hey, it's difficult! ok?), I need to see the opening credits rolling over my head, feel every thump of the music (digital surround sound, hurray), I need the intermission to contemplate on how the movie is 'so far', I need the popcorn, the coffee/pepsi, I need to smile at the couple with the cute baby, need to observe people, note their reactions to the movie, have a 'SRK rocks, Aamir sucks' kinda conversation. 

So, here's my take on 'Jaane tu ya jaane na.' - youthful, breezy, and real. 

The story is nothing new. Haven't we seen this before? Two friends - inseparable.. they fight, they make up, they laugh, they cry. The whole world, including all the cats and mice in it, know they are perfect each other except the protagonists themselves. And we have the indispensable other girlfriend, other boyfriend (for symmetry), the 'omg, i love her/him moment' and the ubiquitous 'airport scene' in the end. (OMG, guess what the airports should ACTUALLY place tax on?.. the next gudda-guddi in love who disrupt the procedures)

Anyway, I liked the movie because of the way the director has handled it. He didn't have much to work with, but he did well with what he had. Here's what to watch out for: 

• Imran Khan and Genelia - The chemistry crackles. QSQT revisited (almost). Genelia is a little measured with the diction but she manages to pack a punch. Imran Khan is cute (does he shave yet?) and thankfully, does NOT shamelessly imitate Aamir Khan. He actually does a very restrained and original job. Observe especially his interactions with his mother, Ratna Pathak Shah and with Genelia of course.
• The talking Ranjod ke Rathod portrait (Naseeruddin Shah)
• Jai has just neglected to attend Aditi's birthday in favor of going to his girlfriend's house. He comes to wish her and meets her brother instead. The story could have segued into a 'ah! now you come' lecture. But the director instead makes the hero and brother run around after a tiny mouse. 
• The treatment of heavy-duty stuff. For example, when Jai visits his girlfriend's house and senses the tension between her parents. His expressions are priceless. 
  
• The songs, especially 'Kahin tho hogi'. You have to listen to it a couple of times to like it. But then, all AR Rahman songs are like that. This one's a gem and succeeds in building a melancholy imagery of unreachable love.

Also, here's the official review of the movie. My rating is 'Go watch it!'

I miss.....

What I am missing RIGHT NOW (if you are in this list, and you see your name, AND you don't call me, you will bite your tongue today) 

•  someone who is very very far away (in miles) but very close (to my heart). She talks non stop but talks right to your heart. Talk of the town, queen of hearts... I am sure she is making 'ripples' where she is.
  
•  someone who 'deserted' my ilk (that's the single/unmarried ilk btw) very recently. I feel I have no sense of direction without her. Plus she does not come online (hmphh)
  
•  OK. This someone is very astute. I miss her barbs and comments. I love her for her '6 min wedding ceremony.' (Why was I counting? hmmm). I like to say she 'ripped the bandaid off' very quickly :). But I do miss her... 
  
• I miss my father. He is miles away too. It is weird. I know I am like him. I recognize his likeness in the way I behave. I believe I understand him more as I understand myself more. 
  
• I miss bicycles
  
• I miss Physics
  
• I miss having crushes. I do. I do.  :D
  
• I miss my brown jacket. (BTW, if my 'brown jacket' is reading this, I'd really really appreciate a call)
  
• I miss my 'brother when he was 4.' (He is now 19!)
  
• I miss a friend from my childhood. Ringlets of curly hair (why did you straighten them?!)  framing her face. Dimples.... (Hey, isn't there a nursery rhyme describing you?). She's a great fan of Aishwarya Rai (Why, why, why?!)
  
• I miss going to my dad's office and gawking at the computer
  
• I miss NOT having a cellphone (cheee)
  
• And how can you miss someone when they are right beside you? (How how how?!) :(

<3 

:)

This is my first post to this blog. I hope to write more often and promise to keep it updated.