I have made a decision...

An important life-altering one. After years of indecision, I am taking the plunge. My life will change forever after this and so will the lives of people around me. And I'll never be the same again. I wanted to let you know that I've decided to start a TV channel.

What? 

Yeah, as I was saying. I have made this after a lot of thought. To prove to you, I'll put my business case in front of you. I've put this together for anyone else who's interested.

Ingredients

You'll need: 

Saas-bahu serials [ubiquitous]. We won't say much about this. It has been done to death (at least done to the death of 4 main characters.). We'll leave you to decide how many of these soaps you want in your channel.

Laughter challenge-type shows. For this, you'll need 2-3 judges who have individual distinct styles of laughing, e.g., 

• raise hands and laugh loudly (a la Siddhu - English spouting is optional. Really!) or  
  
• the 'now-it's-there-now-it's-not' grin that does not stretch your rictus enough to spoil your facelift (a la Shekhar Suman)
• the 'I-am-going-to-laugh-but-look-menacing' laugh (Shatrughan Sinha)
• the spanking new 'raise-your-fists-and-shake-them-in-the-air-so-that-the-contestant-does-not-know-if-you-are-laughing-at-his-joke-or-want-to-kill-him' laugh .. phew (Chunky Pandey)  
  

Of course you don't have to stick to these. You can come up with your own ones. Mine is this: Judges to come up to the contestants after the performance and do a 'Nagin Dance' (snake dance). The score is the number of times the Nag/Nagin (errr....snake/snakess?) lunges. He he he.

Reality shows:  This one's pretty new (like Ring-o-garlic Pizza), but catching on like nobody's business (again like the pizza). Ironically, with shows like 'Roadies,' 'Big Boss,' 'Splitsvilla,' NOTHING is 'nobody's business' anymore. Everything is televisable. Thank you, God for nosy people (and also for sending that cute guy to my apartment building...).

OK. To business, little ones! For reality shows, you will need diversity in character, thusly categorized: 

• Two battling men/women (OK OK. I am totally lying and trying to be nice. Women! the bitchier the better):  Prabjot and Anmol (Roadies), Rakhi and Kashmira (Big Boss), Bosky (?!!) and Prianca (Splitsvilla). They should not get along at all AND they should form groups. Sprinkle liberally with bad words. The good thing about this is that you get to have polls of random people on the road. Who do you think is right? Bosky or Prianca? This will up your TRPs coz it takes on a very Ramayanesque 'Who's side are you on?' theme.
• The underling. More often that not, this guy/gal has to win. This is to prove the triumph of the weak over the mighty. (Ashutosh in Roadies, Rahul Roy in Big Boss). Thus reaffirming that when Mars finally invades us, we will be saved because of the good in our hearts. 
• The crybaby. Absolutely needed. If properly utilized, this golden goose will give you television copy worth episodes! A la Yamini in Splitsvilla. They will cry at the drop of a hat. And behold! Viewers want to know why they cry in the next episode. It is also great for the ads you make. For example, if you show 'Next week on Roadies.... a shot of Nihal crying...,', you have it! People will watch it..
• The bully. Do I need to say anything more? Anmol in Roadies. Just read the reaction to her being voted out here. You'll know what I am talking about. 

Talent shows: Also very new. Refer to dancing shows (Zara Nachke Dikha, Nachle, Sheher di kudiyaan VS. Gali de gunde, Aaja mahi ve), singing shows (Sa Re Ga Ma Pa, Indian Idol), or game shows (Dus ka dum, Kya aap paanchvi..., Khatron ke Khiladi... tera haseena, ek khila... sorry I got a little carried away) etc. Anyway, you get the point. 

The good thing is that more than the contestants, these shows are a good place for the judges to either prove that they can do as well on TV or simply to kick some life into their dying careers. So, here are the talents that the JUDGES should have in your show.

• The ability to laugh a lot, A LOT. You have to keep laughing... and smiling, and grinning. However!! Sometimes, you have to try NOT to laugh. For example, when entire families together try to don similar poshak and prance in front of you (Rock n Roll family)
• You should know at least 137 ways of saying 'What you just did in front of me was good.' 
  
• You should have a house-full of enthusiasm. What I mean is not once should you pick up the mike and say 'Accha tha' or ' I liked it' or 'It was nice.' Instead, every time you pick up the mike, beam like a saint, and say 'Aapne to kamaal kar diya, sara stage hila diya.' or 'I have no words' or use the jhatka factor - say 'I am not pleased with your performance today.' Then wait for some time because there will be a drum sound and the camera will focus on the contestant's face for some time (for full impact). 
• This one's very important: You should have one trademark 'reward.' For example, when you pretend to be really touched, give the contestant a hundred rupee note, or get up and walk to the stage and give them a hug, or say a poem for them. The upside here is that you get to show off your designer dress or designer cleavage when you walk to the stage. It just doesn't do to judge from behind the table, does it, dahling? Also a tremendous opportunity for your ego if the contestant touches your feet (?!)

Celebrity talk shows: Simi Garewal, Karan Johar, and now Sajid Khan! End of story. We rather liked it when celebrities cried on Garewal's show (sadists that we are), we grudgingly enjoyed the banter on Johar's. We want to throw something at Sajid Khan for his boring, artificial, made-up, plastic, pathetic attempt at a celebrity talk show. 

We have grown up.....

If you have neither the time nor the inclination for the above detailed recipe, worry not. Chuck it all and go make a news channel, and one like India TV, at that. Here is everything you need to fill 24 hours then: 

1) Get one of your reporters who is already on duty somewhere to find a stone that looks like Ganesha or Shiva or the Nag God. It's OK if the resemblance is not striking. Your graphics will distract the viewers.

2) Tape one of your reporters speaking in a weird voice. Juxtapose images of aliens from ET, or Aliens Vs Predators. Then claim that aliens have made contact.

3) Every two days, proclaim that the world is going to end either because of Shani's 'prakop' (anger) or through a blackhole device that scientists in Russia have created. 

(At this point, I'd like to repeat: You DO NOT NEED photographical evidence for any of this. Not even photoshop. Shoddily cut-paste heads and bodies. That's enough)

4) Claim that Salman and Katrina are already married for 7 years, or cut Abu Salem's head (chuckle) and paste it on Sanjay Dutt's body, team with Monica Bedi and play a romantic song in the background. 

5) Say that our cows are being taken by aliens. (Hearken, ye cows of Saharanpur, and pay heed)

6) Follow the culinary habits of witches. Check this out.

That's it, my kiddos, this is your beginner's guide for this career choice. More later. Love until then. Muah!